""""": August 2006

I don't mind, I don't mind

"If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself, tell yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches."
rilke

I'm leaving for Chicago tomorrow, returning Thurs. night for a bit of sleep before more merchandise processing! Jackie and Ryder will accompany me to see Grant and Eva, and Jackie will stay will me throughout the week exploring that part of the midwest with me. It is a shame we are not driving, but I love airports so I will get to be in airports four times in one week.

No, this is how it works.
Your peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
Then try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pump in someone else's blood
And walk arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again
regina

Remain in me, and I will remain in you.
John 15:4

We are not reliable, nor capable.

We know as humans we are imperfect- this is a fundamental concept of God's plan and our insatiable thirst and downright need for Jesus and the ultimate sacrifice. This being understood- how could we expect, as we continually do, a fellow human (be it a spouse, parent, or friend), to quench any need of ours on a permanent or dependable scale? Do they not have these same voids that need filled? And since no two people in their imperfection can inexhuastibly and unfailingly (imperfection implies failure) provide this love for each other then it is clear that our dependence on God and not man is imperative and necessary.

So what a beautifully orchestrated plan.. that the one being who can perfectly fill our void is the one being who is dependable enough to trust. And this here is perhaps an alternate explanation of grace... because that is all we could ever ask for and quite the opposite of what we deserve.

We can absolutely experience the love of the Savior in our friends and family, but we cannot expect to run to these people and be filled like we would were we to run to Christ.

"They even smell purple."

I have been very tired lately. The tired that makes you feel like you just woke up. I'm usually not one to post specific health complaints on the internet, but I think it should be noted. A disclaimer, perhaps, for any neglect you may feel towards my behavior with you lately. I am a zombie with more brains, organs, and matter of the living persuasion (though what is a "zombie" generally composed of)? I do not know. I have been very tired lately.

Today before I took a swing at babysitting children that do not behave, I delighted in a little reading. This was intially difficult, as the exhuastion of recent takes my eyes captive and spins them around, but after persistant forced guiding I managed to keep them on the page right side up and actually gather what the pages were telling me about Sal Paradise's road trips with Dean Moriarty (exhuasting in themselves). I read some rich, brown, and bold tales as the concept of flailing oneself across the country with little to no money seeped into me like water seeps into my thirsty flowers (we live in a time of miniature drought and forgetful caretakers [me]) and pulled out of me a sort of longing to do the same. I think this is only so because of the colorful characters met along the way. The activities Sal and Dean etc. took part in interest me little, as does the idea of hitch-hiking, but the passionate folks these boys encountered and befriended (and perhaps the passion of each of these strangers was misguided in a way) reminded me of seeking out spiritually interested people... who was it that spoke of this? The guy from Michigan! That's right, Converge last week. Spiritually interested people. It has been on my mind. Seeking spiritually interested people, I will strive for this to be more of a constant manner of being.

Then Rosie Thomas' piano rings you out of all present thought.

A lovely Laura moved in to live with me, and I like it a lot.

I have been very tired lately.